The Eurovision Drinking Game, Luis & DJ-style

Well, tonight DJ and I sat down to watch the finals of Eurovision. DJ bought a mini-keg of Heineken, and I was supposed to bring a printout of a drinking game for Eurovision that I had found when I was doing research for a term paper on it back in 2004. However, I totally forgot, so we made up our own game. It was surprisingly effective, seeing as both of us were sick as dogs afterwards.

During the Performances

Pyrotechnics

If a performance makes use of fire or explosives, take a shot. If you can really hold your drink, you can take a separate shot for every explosion.
See: Lordi (Finland, 2006)

Gratuitous Modulation

If a song needlessly shifts gears into another key (usually a semitone higher), take a shot.
See: every single !@#$ing entry.

Leather

Leather pants, leather bodices, leather hair accessories, whatever. If an animal used to wear it, you take a shot.
See: that horrifying costume on the woman from Slovenia.

Naked Brigitte Bardot

If Brigitte Bardot runs on stage, naked, and douses the leather wearers with red paint, you drain the whole keg. We're not saying this has ever happened, but it would be TOTALLY RAD if it did.

Fake Tans

If a performer's skin looks like cooked meat or carrot juice, take a shot. Extra points if they're from a Nordic or North-Slavic country.
See: Belarus.

France

If France's entry is a bizarre experiment in music-making that is sure to be wildly unpopular and thus confirm France's self-image as still the epicentre of the avant-garde, take a shot.
See: everything France has submitted in the past 10 years.

Iceland

If Iceland's entry has that "WTF?!" quality that both explains and exceeds Björk, take a shot. See: Iceland

Fabulous Drag Quens

Any use of drag that could be described as "fierce" deserves a shot. Note, only fabulous drag merits this honour.
See: the Danish entry ("Drama Queen") or the insanity of Ukraine's entry this year, or for that matter Dana International (1998).

Earnest Fist Clenching

If a performer holds his or her free hand in a fist in front of him/her, and then pulls it down to assure you that he/she is Totally Having Real Feelings, take a shot. Again, it's your call if you want to take one shot for every clench, or just one for the whole song.
See: Serbia's K.D. Lang with a bowl-cut (2007).

Tokenistic Self-Essentialism

If a performance throws in some musical element or staging or costuming or props that seem to scream "Look! We are a country, and we have Culture! It is very special!" take a shot. You may take individual shots for each qualifying element in an act, but in certain cases (Ireland) this could prove fatal.
See: take your pick

Token Brown Guy/Gal

If an otherwise lily-white country tosses in a token non-white person for authentic weight, take a shot. Note: this only counts if the music they're performing would fall under Guy Ramsey's definition of "Race Music." If a black woman is singing polka, that probably merits its own drinking rule.
See: Belgium, Poland, Romania, the Netherlands.

Hit & Run Cooter

If a female performer is wearing a costume that nearly exposes her ladyparts, take a shot. If a male performer is wearing pants so tight that you can take a guess at the status of his foreskin, take a shot. This also counts for female or male camel toe / hungry butt.
See: Moldova, Macedonia, the dancer in the white pants for the Portuguese entry.

Fans

If, at any time, a fan is being used to give the performers a windswept look, take a shot. If, conversely, someone onstage is holding a handheld fan and using it as some sort of dance prop, take two shots.
See: Denmark, Portugal

Universalism

Any reference to universality--especially of music--merits a shot. "All the world come together" or "Music knows no colour or creed."
See: Any performer singing in English

Jazz Hands

Any use of "jazz hands" must be mitigated with alcohol. If the jazz hands are occurring with a column of dancers mimicking the "Shiva" effect, take as many shots as there are arms.
See: Belarus

Standing Drummer

If there is a drummer onstage, and s/he stands up to show that s/he is Really Into It, take a shot.
See: I'm too lazy to look it up, but there's alot of it

Jackson Family-style Dance Breakdown

If there's a sudden shift in the flow of the music, accompanied by the performers trying earnestly to Get Down In Sync, take a shot. Extra shot if they're actually out of sync.
See: Spain, Russia.

Genuine Aesthetic Experience

If you actually, truly, honestly like a song, without going through layers of irony and camp, drain that spittoon you put under the keg to catch the beer drippings.
See: Georgia, Andorra.

Snarky Posters in the Audience

If you see someone in the audience holding up a sign that registers some sort of disapproval or ridicule, take a shot.
See: "Where's Andorra" at the finals (which they didn't make)

Other

We added this because Eurovision always finds ways of exceeding our expectations for crazy.
See: Entry for Bosnia-Herzegovina dressed as a toilet-paper cozy. Armenian entry singing in front of a tree covered in toilet paper.

During the Voting

Voting for Neighbors

If a country votes for the nations that share its borders or political affiliations, take a shot
See: all the Scandinavian nations, Greece and Cyprus

Voting for Immigrant Minority

If one of the top 3 point-scales (12, 10 or 8) goes to a country that supplies them with immigrants, take a shot.
See: Germany and Turkey, France and Turkey, etc.

Voting to Apologize

If a country votes for a former military enemy or victim of genocide, take a shot and feel ambivalent about it.
See: All the former Yugoslavia countries; Turkey giving 12 points to Armenia

Voting on Actual Quality

If you find yourself agreeing with the voting from a country, drain your glass.
See: Latvia giving Georgia 12 points.